It is raining today. Not a steady rain but rather the sporadic drizzles and drips of Mother Nature’s head cold. This is the fifth day of rain and cold. The wind has blown in from the east for this time bringing the cold off the chilly surface of Lake Ontario. The sole consolation is the fact that a month ago this would have been a lake-effect flurry.
The last few days have been a trial of the spirit. The natural gloom of a series of rainy spring days compounded by the after-effects of the crash and the drugs to manage the pain and being apart from a love who is far away, have left me with a case of the blues and a sense of loneliness. This will pass as I rest today and re-group.
My natural state is one of happiness and a positive attitude. I suspect with some rest and some phone time with my love, the sun will rise in my spiritual east and the shadows of this recent discontent will be washed away and banished to the shadows of the past.
In today’s world of the Internet, blogs and social networking, it is possible to connect and meet so many people from both near and far. Those cyber connections can often times, lead to face-to-face meetings that are memorable; some are wonderful memories and some are not so great. I have been, in my travels, blessed with many wonderful meetings and there have been a few horror shows. Thankfully I have had not many of the latter experiences.
One impact I never gave too much thought about was the more viral spread of my blogs through the old traditional means of correspondence; the letter.
I have a dear friend who writes letters to the incarcerated as part of the prison ministry. The people she writes to range from “lifers” to those passing through the system. They spend their lives within the walls and wire without hope, with anger, with remorse, with guilt, with hope too. I never realized but my blogs were finding their way into the hands of these folks and they look forward to getting my writing. What a wonderful thing this is!! Yes, we all, myself certainly included understand the need for incarceration and for paying dues to society for wrongs committed but, the Christian values of compassion and praying for the redemption of their souls is also there. And, it must be heard and acted upon.
I am grateful for my ability to write and I hope my words and my message of hope and compassion bring some level of peace and insight to this audience I have never met.
I was getting down about writing. I didn’t seem to be getting the response that me ego wanted (yes it is ego that craves the attention) but upon hearing this story about the following I have in the prison system came to my attention, I felt a shift from “woe is me” to “what a wonderful thing this is”. And I am grateful to my friend for thinking that my words and thoughts might help those in less fortunate circumstances.
So as I have had these sad thoughts about being apart from my love and doubt about the success or good of my writing I listened to a band I first saw about 1976 in Maple Leaf Gardens in Toronto and the lyrics came to me”
Even in the quietest moments
I wish I knew what I had to do
And even though the sun is shining
Well, I feel the rain, here it comes again, dear
And even when you showed me
My heart was out of tune
For there's a shadow of doubt
That's not letting me find you too soon
The music that you gave me
The language of my soul
Oh Lord, I wanna be with you
Won't you let me come in from the cold?
My heart was out of tune. There are reasons that I know well why we are apart and they are just a temporary situation that will resolve with time and good intentions. I am not, after all behind the walls without any hope for release or my release dependant on a system over which I have no control.
My friend reminded me of an old James Taylor song and reading the lyrics I saw a little ways inside the walls and behind the wire. His song Sleep Come Free Me:
Well, I've been lying in this dungeon
Since I was eighteen
Ten lonely years of my life taken
I've been living in the pages of a magazine
It breaks my heart to awaken
(chorus)
Set me free
Sleep come free me (please, please, please)
Set me free
Set me free
Now the state of alabama says I killed a man
The jury reached the same conclusion
I remember I was there
With a tire iron in my hand
The rest is all confusion
- chorus -
More like an animal and less like a man
What they leave you ain't worth keeping
Brother let me tell you
I got a clock with no hands
The only way out is through sleeping
- chorus -
You get to where you used to be
Whoever you claim
It's open to interpretation
Just remember your number
And abandon your name
And hold on to your name
And hold on to your imagination
Oh no no
- chorus –
I have plenty of reasons to write now. A multitude of faceless reasons who get a little light into their life and perhaps some insights that may take them to a place where they can be released spiritually if not physically. Life is good!!!
I couldn’t find a link to the James Taylor song that would play in Canada due to copyright rules.
From my book Songs of Love and Other Improvisations (1999)
The thought of separation is like a punishment
The thought of the distance between us
Pounds at my every breath
How can love so beautiful
Wreak such torment on my soul
I ask these question because I have no answers
I have not been to this space before
It confuses and abuses me
How can love so beautiful
Be forlorn and bereft of hope
Yet if I think of the love that brought us here
How it started strengthened matured
I would have faith and peace
How can love so beautiful
Not transcend time and distance
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