A Time for Reflection and Choosing Positive Intentions

I woke up this morning and spent a leisurely morning corresponding with friends and answering e-mails after a big breakfast and my favourite dark roast coffee.  I was searching for an idea for a blog posting since New Years Eve seems the time for thoughtful contemplation of the year just ending and finding hope and inspiration for the coming year.

I talked on the phone with both old and new friends and messaged with my muse who is off on her own ride this New Years.  We will be physically apart. But, like all deep friendships, we will still be tied and together in thought, spirit, and emotions this evening as we enter a new year with nothing but unlimited hope for ourselves, our friends, and the intention to be ourselves while living life to the fullest in the coming year.

As I reflected on friends and the real ones who are still with me today after all the trials and heartache of the past year, I recalled a poem I had written in 1999 during another time of major upheaval in my life and another time when the support of friends and loved ones carried me through to a Brand New Day.

Bless me with your presence in the twilight

A silhouette of your essence

Cast against the wall of my garden

Bless me with your quiet persuasion

When my steps falter

Under the burden of our separation

Bless me with your serenity in the turmoil

Of our crazy love

That rages through my soul

Bless me with your view on life

A balance to my views

That makes me look deeper

Bless me with your unconditional love

That knows no borders

That transcends my own limitations

The poem starts in the twilight that is aloneness and the garden is the walled state of being constrained by my attachments to the past and what I pre-conceived what the future should be rather than what it could be.  The presence of love and friendship in my life though relieves the darkness and I am comforted by the knowledge I am not really alone but have those dear to me also in the garden.  I can see them in silhouette.  Friends and the presence of love in our lives is a Blessing.  And today I am doubly Blessed with friends and with Love.

The words and the thoughts our friends hold for us in their hearts help keep our perspective and inspire us to keep moving in the direction of our dreams hopes and aspirations.

Significant changes in our personal lives can be tumultuous.   Loves unbounded energy and joy can also create its own form of chaos as we seek the alignments and timing that will allow the love to grow and flourish into a mutually rich and enduring experience.  I am Blessed with a Dear Friend whose serenity and calmness grounds me in this time of great joy and change.  I am grateful to have such a beautiful and understanding soul in my life.

Remembering the lines from the Jackson Browne song Two of Us, Two of you, the need to see beyond my own views to the views and the values of both friends and loved ones is acceptance to create the space for the “Two of You” so rather than split apart the love or friendship, I create space for healthy growth.  Yes I am Blessed by another point of view that causes me to look deeper and be more accepting so I can get rid of those damn attachments.

I am particularly Blessed at this time with a Dear Friend who has a deep unconditional love for friends and loved ones.  I am Blessed to be her friend.  She is opening my heart and mind to think and feel past my own limitations and attachments.  Reading my Facebook messages and on BON I am also Blessed with beautiful friends who are there for me.  Good and real friends and family love in a manner that is unconditional because it accepts the “me” in “I” for what I am; warts and all.

So as 2010 draws to an end and 2011 is at the door, I see the New Year as a Brand New Day; Listening to Sting last night and remembering his concert I saw at the Mountainview Shoreline Amphitheater, I hear the words:

How many of you people out there
Been hurt in some kind of love affair?
And how many times did you swear
That you'd never love again?
How many lonely, sleepless nights?
How many lies, how many fights?
And why would you want to
Put yourself through all of that again?

"Love is pain," I hear you say
Love has a cruel and bitter way of
Paying you back for all the faith you ever had in your brain
How could it be that what you need the most
Can leave you feeling just like a ghost?
You never want to feel so sad and lost again

Many of my friends are going through tough times in their lives and love can seem elusive at best or no longer desirable at worst.  The symbolism of the New Year and the chance for rebirth and formulating new intentions for a happier and completely authentic “you”  is a call to action for me and I hope all my friends who may be hurting at this time or feeling alone.  It is a time to form new intentions and to offer thanks upon reflecting on your past year and the experiences that have come your way.

We can turn this ship around
We'll go up instead of down
You're the pan and I'm the handle
You're the flame and I'm the candle

Stand up all you lovers in the world
Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl
Stand up all you lovers in the world
We're starting up a brand new day

And some final thoughts in a verse that is just flowing now:

I count each memory and experience

With you like pearls on a string

Each with its unique hue and lustre

As I reflect on our times together

And the times that will be

As we search for the path

Past the bend of New Years

To that final pearl on our string

To all my friends, family, and to my Dear Friend who I cannot be with tonight, I am grateful for all of you and I am indeed Blessed to have each of you in my life and I know 2011 will be for me a Brand New Day.

Morning coffee

Morning is just freshly cool

From the house down to the canal

Birdcall bushes line the banks

Ducks meander bobbing their heads

We huddle in our fleeces

Against the cold screened porch

With coffee-warmed hands

I look over at you

Sitting in your lawn chair

The coffee steam rising

The slightest smile touches your lips

A fleeting memory of my errant 8 ball

Or simply the pleasure

Of this quiet morning

And the silence of each others company

Some early morning musings

Morning has yet to appear

With its tentative brushstrokes

Of first light on the canvas sky

The room is a quiet

As the building sleeps

And my heart weighs the meaning

Of your absence

Morning will come soon

On blue slippered feet

Do I have the strength

To carry this fragile love

Through another day

Through another season

In this solo garden

Farther On

Life on the road with no real home and no anchors for reality other than the money in my pocket, the people that I find around me as I move place to place, and a general notion of where I would like to go and what I would like to see can seem a tenuous existence in the early hours of the morning.  This is especially true this morning when I struggle with my desire to be on the road; to be free of emotional and spiritual pain and confusion and with the desire to live and experience new love in a new relationship as one of those hopes I had when the kickstand first went up months ago in Niagara.

This morning I hear the lyrics from the Jackson Browne’s song Farther On from his iconic record Late For the Sky:

In my early years I hid my tears
And passed my days alone
Adrift on an ocean of loneliness
My dreams like nets were thrown
To catch the love that I'd heard of
In books and films and songs
Now there's a world of illusion and fantasy
In the place where the real world belongs

When we have that moment of “Aha” that this relationship we are in and this life we are leading is at an end and our personal state is one of aloneness and unhappiness, we imagine as in the lyric a better life based on the ideal of love that we become attached to through all the societal inputs that we are exposed to.  Life on the road brings me in contact with many people who are wonderful and have a beautiful light about them as they live there lives.  Because I chose to live and lead by heart I am vulnerable to be drawn to their individual light and attracted to their individual charms that define their uniqueness and that make them loveable.  It gets tricky as the last 2 lines of the lyric state to separate the fantasy and self-delusion from the real world of two people living their lives.

As I wrote in the Time after Time blog spot our attachments limit and taint or filter our love experience and we need to be patient and work with the timing and alignments to keep the relationships real and functional because at any given moment we are at different spots personally and with the world around us.  Often times it is one of the two in the “two of us” that needs to carry the load and make the adjustments through belief and hope in the relationship’s future because the external world is overwhelming the other of “us”.

We need to manage our feelings in the moment of making these adjustments to keep aligned.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say
It could be I've lost my way
Though I keep a watch over the distance
Heaven's no closer than it was yesterday

There is such a sense of aloneness when you are the one that is making the adjustments to keep the alignment.  That feeling that you are no closer to you goal of a healthy loving relationship than you were yesterday or in some cases establishing a new relationship when the basics are there but the alignments are against it at the point in time where you stand.

And the lyric finishes:

Now the distance leads me farther on
Though the reasons I once had are gone
I keep thinking I'll find what I'm looking for
In the sand beneath the dawn

But the angels are older
They can see that the sun's setting fast
They look over my shoulder
At the vision of paradise contained in the light of the past
And they lay down behind me
To sleep beside the road till the morning has come
Where they know they will find me
With my maps and my faith in the distance
Moving farther on

And so there we stand in that dawn light as it floods into the room under the blackout curtain.  The reasons to keep going do change and we need to look at the reasons and see if they are valid and consistent to the course we have chosen for ourselves or are they compromises.

Then, we go out to face the day with our faith and the maps of our beliefs and desires either moving on away from what had promise but never work for us or moving towards the love and fulfillment we want, prepared to toil in solitude in the garden to achieve the alignments.

Listen to Jackson singFarther On

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RObVZ7KuREY

Sometimes there is only love and relationship to sustain us

In my travels by Harley and by internet, I have met people from all walks of life and every imaginable socio-economic reality.  I've even met myself a few times.  My thoughts this morning where on the sheer magnitude of the issues confronting just everyday people who only want a decent life.  In the end when the external issues and seem overwhelming we only have each other to turn to for support, sustenance and love.

I may not get time to blog for a day or two so a vignette now and again?

We stood on the hard dune

Overlooking a winter storm sea

Arms around each other for warmth

And to brace against the building storm

I was aware of you beside me

I felt the comfort of our union

But our eyes were focused on the challenge

Of the sea and the storm

Would we prevail?

Would we survive?

When the sand is stripped away

And the bare rock beneath is exposed

Our only shelter is ourselves

And the bond of love and strength between us

Counting the Fillings in the Gift Horse’s Mouth

We all have likely heard the expression “Never look a gift horse in the mouth” I got thinking about that old saying a lot lately as I caught myself doing just that.  Metaphorically, the expression means that one should accept a gift graciously and gratefully, without criticizing the gift or giver.  Now, it doesn’t have to be a gift like your aunt giving you the extra cantaloupe she won’t eat or uncle Fred slipping you a twenty.   It can be the simple act of friendship to invite you over for dinner when you are alone at Christmas or an offer to help fix a vexing computer problem.

I was musing recently on a ride I made across Florida to meet a new friend, about my blog topics and about all the times good fortune has crossed my path and how I let the window slam shut before I realized the “land where the honey runs in rivers each day/And the sweet tasting good life is so easily found” was right out there in front of me and all I had to do was climb through the window of opportunity.

It seems an innately human characteristic to look for the motive behind someone’s behaviour or gift, or to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out the angle, or to find the “catch” when there wasn’t one, and the motive was a generous soul making a selfless offer, or a completely innocent gesture of gratitude.

When I consider my own experiences, I lost count of the number of times I let the filter of my brain colour my perceptions of someone’s actions or cast a negative shadow on an offer made to me.  Yes, there are many reasons to apply our minds to understand motive and to see if there underlying reasons associated with any particular gift horse but the mind’s filter; what we think of something, colours our feelings and that’s when we start to pry the equine’s jaws apart.

I had a few invites yesterday for Christmas Dinner from folks here who know that I was likely going to be hanging out alone at the “Hotel California”.  I was in a space of self-doubt and misery about my choices (this happens when you chose the road less traveled) so I had my head right in the horse’s mouth counting the fillings.  But, there were no ulterior motives.  It was just good people being empathetic and making an offer that was authentic and string-less.

I’ve blogged about the Carole King song Way Over Yonder “To the land where the honey runs in rivers each day/And the sweet tasting good life is so easily found”.  By leading with heart and not the mind, that window of opportunity can be taken with less likelihood of it closing on your fingers or worse. 

As I continue this journey, I know I will be more accepting of each small kindness that comes my way and will accept with gratitude in my heart and fewer questions in my mind.  Taking another wise observation from Dr. Wayne Dyer “Wisdom is Avoiding All Thoughts That Weaken You”.  By counting the gift horse’s fillings, we diminish our humanity.  The thoughts that come from our past unpleasant experiences that filter our perceptions of the gifts that come to us are thoughts that weaken us.

Yes, this Christmas season was a trying time for me and I know for many of my friends on Facebook and BON but today is another day and brings new hope and new vigour to follow my chosen path.  I helped a friend today in far greater need and with more serious concerns than my stuff.  It felt good because they were not giving my horse an oral exam.

Today is certainly another day and I penned the following after an uplifting phone call from another friend.

My yesterdays are like the distant clouds

Hugging the wave crests out to sea

A near forgotten image of pain and regret

I see the clouds and nod at their passing

Sunset at St. Petes

Poetry is a long time friend of mine.  From high school days reciting Ginsberg in the local coffee houses and throughout different points in my life where I needed to express great joy, or dissipate anxiety.  And, sometimes, just for the sheer joy of it like hitting a buck 45 on the Harley down the interstate (that's Canadian speak for 90 mph/145 kph).

Wrote this today while editing more photos from last weekend on the gulf coast.

The sun is setting a yellow orb in the sea

Bruising the face of the sky

Madly magenta, purple, yellow

Darkness walks across the sand behind me

As my camera catches a moment of laughter in your eyes

Simple joy

Being there to see this closing act of the day

You lift your dark glasses to share your joy with the lens

As the blue waves and white curls

Behind you back to the falling sun

As the bruise slowly fades to red

And we turn together to watch the last moment of light 

Sometimes a moment in the ride last forever in memory

I looked over at you

Seated on the rocks

Along the barnacle red shore

Above the shell strewn beach

The sea breeze ran long fingers

Through your red hair

Teasing a strand

Across your face

I smiled at the quiet joy

That I could see in your eyes

Behind dark glasses

A smoke resting in your fingers

The Harley chrome shone like a halo

In the scenery behind you

And I asked myself

Can there be anything better

Than this?

Time After Time

In a previous blog posting I talked about the Carole King song Way Over Yonder and the words being a metaphor for the companionship and food for the soul we all seek and deserve and through which, we find and realize the sweet tasting good life.   

When I consider my own life (no admission or cover charge to eavesdrop on my own life), my relationships and the relationships that I had wished had been, that quest for meaningful companionship was often hampered by my own attachments.  As Dr. Wayne Dyer said " Have a Mind That is Open to Everything and Attached to nothing."  Too frequently I was tying myself to ideas that were only in my own head or to tied to self-imposed boundaries on the relationship that stifled or suffocated the natural rhythms of the interactions between the object of my affections and me.

Too much “Mind” and not enough “Heart”.  It went beyond that into the complex dynamics of my personal growth emotionally, spiritually and mentally and that of my girl friend/partner/affection object and then the whole third dimension of the relationship relative to the everyday world around us.  It was a huge integration problem of timing and alignments.

One of my favourite singer/songwriters on the human condition is Jackson Browne.  In his song Two of Me, Two of You he writes “:

“There are two of me
And two of you
Two who have betrayed love
And two who have been true”

He is singing about those attachments we have and the integration of two people in their relationship and their relationship to the world swirling around them.  Timing and alignments.

He goes on to write:

“Of the two of me
One always knew
That I would always love you
Whatever you might do
And the more unfree and troubled you grew
I could feel the whole world splitting in two
Trying to make the room
For the two of you”

Listen to Two of me, Two of You 

This is the stifling or suffocation I talked about in my own affairs of heart when my ideas I held an attachment to and the real dynamics of two people growing and changing in a world of change and external pressures would literally split in two and thus, another smoking relationship crater.

If this riding lifestyle I am following is about reaching that state Way Over Yonder of the sweet tasting good life, then I have to understand and let go of the attachments because the attachments to what I want and perceive as the “right way” for things to be are what keep me from “making the room/For the two of you”.  Then, there is timing and alignment.

A few weekends ago I had occasion to watch a video performance by Bruce Springsteen and one of the songs in the concert was called “If I Should Fall Behind”.  The song was all about the alignment between two people and where they were in time with the world about them.

“We said we’d walk together baby come what may

That come the twilight should we lose our way

If as we’re walkin a hand should slip free

I’ll wait for you

And should I fall behind

Will you wait for me

We swore we’d travel darlin side by side

We’d help each other stay in stride

But each lovers steps fall so differently

But I'll wait for you

And if I should fall behind

Will you wait for me”

Listen to Should I Fall Behind 

What a beautiful poetic treatment of two people living in the real world who understand that timing and alignment are necessary for the relationship or connection to survive the stresses of life.  And, dig it, neither expresses attachment to their own ideas but rather to the common ideal of the relationship.

As I make this journey and travel Further Up the Road, I hope to find new relationships, new loves, new adventures.  My track record thus far sucks but I am getting smarter about it and leading with heart is how I choose to approach the journey.  Like everyone who is honest with themselves I want happiness through a healthy relationship and the companionship that is food for the soul.

Tonight before I wrote on this theme, I was developing another idea.    I was discussing that idea with a dear friend that I hope will become a bigger part of my life in the future, I was so wrapped up in my brilliant perspective on the topic that I did not consider my friends feelings and what she might think of this “great” idea of mine for a blog.  She’s no slouch and pointed out quite quickly that my idea I was “attached to” could apply to her in an unfavourable way.

Ooooops.  My enthusiasm for that “great idea” rapidly flagged.  It turns out she thought it was a great idea.  By then, I was well into this piece and about all the mistakes I appeared ready to make all over again.  It reminded me of another song I heard a few times recently.  A gorgeous performance of the song Time After Time sung by Eva Cassidy.  The link to play it is below.  The lyrics that came to mind for me as I considered my near miss with fate were:

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,

And think of you

Caught up in circles confusion--

Is nothing new

Flashback--warm nights--

Almost left behind

Suitcases of memories,

Time after time

Click to Hear Time After Time - Enjoy!! 

And the lesson for me is lead with Heart but use my mind to see the unhelpful attachments and help keep the timing and alignment going so the relationship grows instead of splitting two Further on up the road

Way over Yonder

This life I am currently leading is a deliberate choice.  Some might consider it rainbow chasing or (shudder) escapism, but it is really a journey to a place we all desire and we know exists.  For some, the path is through a religious belief and living the life proscribed by that religious belief and for others it is living a life of principal based on values and the personal integrity to commit and live by those values.

In the words of Carole King from those simpler days of the late 60's

Way over yonder is a place that I know
Where I can find shelter from hunger and cold
And the sweet tasting good life is easily found
Way over yonder - that's where I'm bound

The hunger and cold  can be quite literal .  I am here in Florida and it is a heck of a sight warmer than Ontario and I have shelter from hunger through the fruits of a lifetime of effort and work and a really smart financial manager who takes care of the funds so much better than I.  It can also be a metaphor for the companionship and food for the soul we all seek and deserve and through that we find and realize the sweet tasting good life.  Way over Yonder that 's where I'm bound,

A friend recently reminded me of a line from Dr. Wayne Dyer " Have a Mind That is Open to Everything and Attached to nothing."  In that journey Way Over Yonder, I am learning that you can make the ride but attachments to old ideas of what makes the sweet tasting good times elusive and difficult to recognize.   It is only through being open and leading with mind AND heart in a fearless quest so we find that shelter , that companionship and warmth of love and acceptance in places we would never have looked with our previous eyes.

I chose to make my journey on a 900 lb. 95 cubic inch Harley making friends through the places I go, through my social networks like BON and Facebook and I have more roads to travel to get there but the journey is rich and full of joy.

May be tomorrow I'll find my way
To the land where the honey runs in rivers each day
And the sweet tasting good life is so easily found
Way over yonder - that's where I'm bound
Way over yonder - that's where I'm bound

Way Over Yonder

Further on up the Road

From the Bruce Springsteen lyrics for  "Further on up the Road"

"Now I been out in the desert, just doin' my time
Searchin' through the dust, lookin' for a sign
If there's a light up ahead well brother I don't know
But I got this fever burnin' in my soul
So let's take the good times as they go
And I'll meet you further on up the road

Further on up the road
Further on up the road
Further on up the road
Further on up the road

One sunny mornin' we'll rise I know
And I'll meet you further on up the road
One sunny mornin' we'll rise I know
And I'll meet you further on up the road. "

There are obvious Christian references and  metaphors in the lyrics I quoted but I also see and relate the lyrics to my life's journey (it is the only one I can really know or truly understand).  I think back to reading the Hobbit and and the Lord of the Rings as a teen and the walking song called The Road Goes Ever On.  And I think of these lyrics

"Now I been out in the desert, just doin' my time
Searchin' through the dust, lookin' for a sign
If there's a light up ahead well brother I don't know
But I got this fever burnin' in my soul"

How well this describes my working career and the sterility of the  life and the lack of real friendships and the necessity to refrain from being authentic to you true self if it did not fit the corporate mold.  I was doin' my time for all the right reasons; family, retirement funding, contributing to community, earning a living.  But I was always looking for a sign.  It took a year after retirement, a horrible business experience with my partner, and a realization that I had moved from one sterile environment to another.

The sign I was lookin' for was a Harley ad in Kijiji for an XL883 that looked very cool.  That precipitated a series of memories of the joy I found in riding  as a young man, memories of the brief running series starring Michael Parks in the late 60's called The Along Came Bronson.  We discussed getting the Harley and I did.  I was also going through a lot of mental issues and anguish about sense of self typical for men in post retirement.  Some good therapy helped that issue as well as abstinence from old John Barleycorn.  There was "light up ahead".  We moved to Niagara Region and I met a great bunch of bikers and in no time I had a new ride.  A big touring Road Glide with a hot power plant.

The fever burning in my soul was to ride , photograph the journey, meet people and make real friends, to be authenticate and lead with my heart regardless the cost, and to write about the journey through poetry and now this blog.

A new phase in that journey is starting further on up the road where I am enjoying the good times (not without significant costs to me and family).  And I know further on up the road will be new relationships, new loves, new adventures and I will meet it all Further On Up the Road.

Of Doors Closing and WIndows Opening

This is my first blog in this new setting.  It is another window opening.  This old saw is often used to rationalize a situation that in the moment, leaves us feeling like crap.  We need some thread of a positive straw to grasp onto (the window representing the new opportunity that must be better than the last because the last one really sucked.

When I step back and look over the past 63 years (at least those ones I can still remember), this closing of doors has occurred on a macro scale: two divorces, two life altering motorcycle accidents, failed business partnership and the attached loss of my retirement funds, loss of my job before my work was done, retirement for corporate life, development of asthma and bronchitis preventing me from working with oil paints that I love; to the micro: getting dumped by various women I have loved/liked, a failure in Grade 13 math, losing my favourite harmonica, a broken turn signal on my Harley.

As I consider the the closing doors (don't let the screen door hit your ass on the way out), there actually are windows of opportunity I can identify with the both the macro type closings and the micro as well.  Each divorce led me into a new relationship that had its adventures, joys, and sorrows and the learning that comes from getting along with someone on a daily basis and facing life challenges together.  People, meaning me because this is personal, change,  Relationships begin and they end and it is is different for each of us.

Both motorcycle accidents led me into new career paths that actually were exciting, challenging, and in the end ultimately satisfying.  The failed business partnership set me free from an impossible situation and let me grow both as a business person and as highly valued strategic thinker.  Retirement left me asking myself What now?  What now indeed.  I fumbled around trying to get a business off the ground for my partner but the chemistry was wrong and that was a closed window I tried to go through and ended up with a forehead filled with broken glass.   I re-discovered my love of motorcycles and bought a Harley.  I only look back now to make sure no one is going to run me over.  This year I have put over 24,000 miles on my Harley and I am still going strong.  I am seeing the world in the intimate way that is only available to those of us who see the world from in the wind.

My asthma has disappeared except if I get chilled and if I spend time in high pollen or moldy areas or in an art studio filled with VOCs.  My camera has become my preferred tool.  I take everyday snaps to show people my travels and I take those serious shots where light, lines, shadow, composition all come into play.  I do it all for the love of just doing it and having others enjoy the results through Facebook, Twitter and now this blog.

I have taken up the pen again and started writing poetry .  This is a lifelong passion that comes out of the closet from time to time. I have content for about 3 volumes and now I am working on biker themes yet adhering to the Beat style I love that is reminiscent of Ferlinghetti and Farina.

On the micro level I am meeting friends and making friends in person on my travels and online through Facebook, BON, and other Biker social networking sites.  I am freely expressing my inner self through how I live and through my lens and through my words.

I called this Blog An Echo Down the Road because all those closed doors are behind me and the closing is but an echo back up the road.  And the echo down the road is the sound of my Rinehart exhausts as I head towards new adventures, new journeys, new meetings, and countless open windows.

A long first blog attempt.  Now it is time to pack for a 3.5 hour run and two day trip across Florida to  Port Charlotte to meet a new friend and to begin another adventure exploring the gulf coast.  Watch my Facebook page for picture postings.