Love Needs a Heart

It’s an overcast, cool day in south Texas as I sit in the carport at my friend Clyde and Sandra’s winter home in San Benito.  We are just back in from a ride with the motorcycle club here called the Crabs (Conservative Retired Adult BikerS). It was a short ride out for breakfast then down to the bay north of Port Isabel.  It is a wonderful group of people who are spending their retirement years doing what they want to do most; ride their motorcycles and enjoy the company of other like-minded souls.  It is a change for me from my solo rides and I am enjoying the company.

I was listening to Jackson Browne’s Running on Empty CD during the ride and my mind that was not absorbed with the details of holding formation with the group and riding safely was working over the issues of my heart and my desire to find another heart looking for one like mine.  The beautiful song co-written by Lowell George, Valerie Carter, and Jackson triggered it: Love Needs a Heart.

Maybe the hardest thing I've ever done

Was to walk away from you

Leaving behind the life that we'd begun

I split myself in two

Proud and alone, cold as a stone

Rolling down that hill into the night

I could see the surprise and the hurt in your eyes

From behind each flashing city light

Love needs a heart and I need to find

If loves needs a heart like mine

Love won't come near me, she don't even hear me

She walks by my vacancy sign

Love needs a heart, trusting and blind

I wish that heart was mine

Proud and alone, cold as a stone

I'm afraid to believe the things I feel

I can cry with the best I can laugh with the rest

But I'm never sure when it's real

And it may be the hardest thing I've ever done

But apart from all that I hope to find

Where's the heart that's been looking for mine?

I hope it finds me in time

Love needs a heart and I need to find

If love needs a heart like mine

This song just fit the moment.  I have met people and felt love in my heart for them on this long ride since leaving Canada last November.  It has been that happy, achy, want-to-be-with-you feeling a couple of times but, as fate would have it, the feelings were not mutual or for the object of my affections, feeling love itself was a distant memory locked away under layers of life’s lessons and time.  My introspective nature led me down the road of doubting the validity of my feelings and raised the worrisome question of whether I would find another heart in this big world that would be looking for one like mine.

As I continue my journey and explore the me that is me, I found the lines in the song poignantly close to my thoughts.

And it may be the hardest thing I've ever done

But apart from all that I hope to find

Where's the heart that's been looking for mine?

I hope it finds me in time

The knowledge that time is fleeting and life’s road is becoming much shorter as I move towards being a legal senior citizen, sometimes sits heavy in my soul. I still carry the hope of finding that heart.  I know that by being open to love’s call and putting aside all those fears of past loves gone bad or unrequited, there is hope that this old heart of mine will meet another ready to love and be loved in an enduring and profound way.

Recently my thoughts have been about settling down at the end of this journey.  I know where geographically I have felt good about my surroundings and my state of mind.  I don’t know where the end point of this journey is.  I will know it when I get there.  My hope remains that it will be with someone who accepts me for who I am and for all my quirks and idiosyncrasies and (an absolute must) loves the motorcycling lifestyle.

Another song on the current playlist is by another personal favorite, Van Morrison.  Although Hymns to the Silence has Van’s personal spiritual association, the lyrics also strike a chord for me, as does the soulful tune as my mind and heart go back to Florida and a riding partner who touched my heart and who, I left behind. I miss the laughter, the quiet company she gave me on our rides.  Both of us were quite content to enjoy the ride in silence just absorbing the beauty about us then the pleasure of a dinner by the ocean talking about ourselves, life, and our personal journeys.

Oh my dear, oh my dear sweet love

Oh my dear, oh my dear sweet love

When I'm away from you, when I'm away from you

Well I feel, yeah, well I feel so sad and blue

Well I feel, well I feel so sad and blue

Oh my dear, oh my dear, oh my dear sweet love

When I'm away from you, I just have to sing, my hymns

Hymns to the silence, hymns to the silence

Hymns to the silence, hymns to the silence

My memories of that time come back as bittersweet and Van’s performance is a perfect painting.  Each experience is an opportunity to grow and to learn more of life’s lessons.  Each memory is a jewel in the bracelet of my life.

But, the road goes ever on and the memories will be with me as I continue my journey.  I look forward to the journey and the great question mark of what the future will bring.

Love Needs a Heart - Jackson Browne

Hymns to the Silence - Van Morrison

From the untitled book:

I looked for the dawn

And there was no discernible change

From the night

Subtle grays breaking

And the distance becoming more visible

Warmer, yes I do feel the chill fading

But what I would give for a glimpse

Of that bright smile

A Tale of Two Towers

Some days are spent idly when there is a pause in the journey.  I have been in Palm Coast over a week spending time with my riding companion and treating a sore back that has made the prospect of a 500 mile run in the saddle a daunting prospect.  There is no rush to get anywhere so it is better to let my aging body heal so I can function 100% without pain on the ride.

It has been a break full of reflection and introspection for me.  I have not been completely idle.  Some time has been spent on my affairs back in Canada and making arrangements for my return and for my summer of riding up there in the land of Molson’s Golden.  I have also tended to the needs of the Harley and to the needs of my body.

I have done some writing on poetic material for the new book and corresponding with friends.  I have been examining my goals and thinking about those things I wish to manifest into my life.  I am drawn to paint again.  There are so many ideas still locked in my mind for paintings.  The desire is still there to paint.  The trick is to find a place where I wish to settle so I can explore and re-connect with my art.  I have several ideas for the type of book I would like to produce and they will likely gel when I stop moving and settle for a spell in some place of beauty and quiet so the ideas can flow and the concepts take shape.

There is still the longing to be with a love that will spend time on the road with me and share the adventures of my creative journey.  Again, I am positive that my journey will bring me to a meeting that will be magical.

My thoughts also have drifted back to my youth and one of the most magical periods when I read JRR Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings.  Some recent conversations with a friend on one of the social sites, has triggered many memories of the joy I felt in reading and immersing myself in the depth and magic of his trilogy.

One memory leads to another. Today, I recalled a painting I did back in 2001 that was based on real life locations but was heavily influenced in its creation by the Lord of the Rings.

Dawn on Celtic Ruins

The painting is done in the encaustic style I developed and combine elements from tree locations.  The ruin on the left is a segment of the walls of Tintagel Castle (reputed home of King Arthur) as they stand today above the Irish Sea in Cornwall, England.  The tower on the right is the Keep at Aberystwyth, Wales again, on the Irish Sea.  The sky was taken from a photograph I took from my balcony when I was living near Lake Ontario in the town of Ajax, Ontario, after a storm had swept in from the lake then as the setting sun pierced the clouds.

The painting is a story of two towers opposed to each other across the valley in between.  It is a loose reference to Minas Tirith and Minas Ithil facing each other over the valley of the river Anduin.  The sky is a very close representation of what I photographed includes the shape of a dragon flying over the valley.  The river is not included by intent to focus on the sky and to show the lushness of the land that has endured long past the time of the man made structures.  The metaphor is about the transient nature of man and his wars and the enduring nature of Mother Earth.

The Keep at Aberystwyth

Tintagel Castle, Cornwall

Lately, I have been experiencing a desire to establish roots again.  Where, is another question?  I think the answer will unfold as I continue this ride and fulfill my Spirit Quest.

Night has fallen on Palm Coast.  It is time now to correspond with friends and to rest up for the trip ahead.  Once on the road, I hope to write more on the journey and on matters of the heart.

Writing this blog post has been good for me.  It has taken me back to memories of a magical time for me and has taken me back to my love of telling a story not just in words but also in visual art.  It is a time as I said, of reflection and retrospection.

From the untitled book:

I met you in the quiet darkness

Of the field close by the river

The trees where whispering news

Of our arrival

I held you close your scent softly

Filling my senses with anticipation

Your touch on my arm so warm

And intoxicating

Your eyes sparkle brightly finding

My face above yours and smiling

As I hold you and think of the loving

Yet to come

*****************************************

Winter blue

The sunlight brittle on frozen lawns

Sienna trees against the white

Soft cirrus above the stratus haze

Fresh blue

Taste the smells of winter

Invigorating

*****************************************

I looked into your light blue eyes

And I saw your caring heart

I looked into your light blue eyes

And I saw sweet love

The Flight of Imagination

Some days our imaginations take flight in our quest for a fulfilling and happy life. This sunny day in Palm Coast Florida, I’m sitting at my desk thinking of today and the future.  The day is sunny, hot and so blue is the sky shaded from cerulean edges to a dome of light cobalt.

My thoughts are on where my travels will lead me.  A return to Canada is necessary by late April to see to my affairs there and to give the taxman his annual pound of flesh.  In between there will be more adventures in the USA.  My thoughts are on those adventures and where they may lead.  I know I don’t want to winter in Canada anymore.  I hear from my friends there and as we all get older, the snow and cold no longer holds the cachet it did for a 9 year-old with a hockey stick and a death wish for playing goalie.

My imagination when set free goes almost anywhere.  Perhaps this is a result of lots of time spent alone playing when I was young or all the books I devoured that fired my imagination.

I am listening to Sting’s Nothing Like the Sun CD.  I saw him at the Shoreline Amphitheatre in Mountainview CA a few years back with the incomparable Bradford Marsalis and Manu Katche.  Track 2 Little Wing reflects my imaginative state; that sense of magic and the blessings that come from the clouds unbidden like the surprise rays of sun on a cloudy and threatening day.  Lifting that sense of sadness cause by the pre-storm gloom, I have felt that magic and found myself smiling at the surreal beauty of storm clouds broken by the sun.

Well, she's walking through the clouds

With a circus mind

That's running wild

Butterflies and zebras and moonbeams

And fairy tales

That's all she ever talks about...

Riding with the wind

When I'm sad she comes to me

With a thousand smiles

She gives to me free

It's alright, she says,

It's alright

Take anything you want from me,

Anything

Fly on, little wing

As I leave Florida in the next couple of days, I will see parts of the USA that I have never seen.  My handlebar cam will be mounted to capture shots down the road.   I will stop as often as possible to take shots with the Nikon of points of interest and of wildlife where I find it.  It is a continuing journey of discovery and self-discovery.

I have known love on this trip; both platonic and intimate yet not in situations where there is the right human condition for it to grow and flourish.  Think back to my blog post “Two of me Two of You”.  Two people in places in their personal journey where attraction is there but the external forces, the places in time on the individual journeys prevent the essential alignment for love to blossom and be fully realized in its fullness.  The joy to be found way over yonder is just as far away as it was.

As I have run down today’s playlist a reggae beat song by Jackson Browne takes me to a state of mind I have been in before and hope to be in again.  I’m never going to be too old to experience those butterflies and mental lapses when love fills my mind and spirit with that internal music

I hear your heart beating everywhere

When we're apart I can hear you there

I hear your heart beating everywhere

Everywhere I go

People say that I must be in love

The way I forget what we're speaking of

The way I stand there smiling straight ahead

And walk away without hearing a word they said

I hear your heart beating everywhere

When we're apart I can close my eyes and hear you there

I hear your heart beating everywhere

Everywhere I go

In the middle of the football game

At the beach in the pouring rain

Standing on a hillside staring at the sun

People hurry by the unfortunate one

With the faraway eyes and the mystery smile

Moving my body in a ragamuffin style

I can't sit down when I hear it start

I hear your heart everywhere I go

People say that I must be a fool

Cause when I'm near you I cannot be cool

I don't quite make sense when I talk to you

And when you smile I forget everything I knew

I hear your heart beating everywhere

When we're apart I can close my eyes and hear you there

I hear your heart beating everywhere

Everywhere I go

Standing in the market where I buy my bread

With a hunger in my belly and a rhythm in my head

Looking all around for something good to eat

Between the butter and the beans and the mops and the meat

Coffee from the mountain, honey from the bee

Nothing tastes as good as you taste to me

Rocking in the aisle to my inside song

People staring at me think I got a walkman on

I hear your heart beating everywhere

I hear your heart

I hear your heart beating everywhere

I hear your heart

Beating everywhere I go

So to the road ahead and the continuation of this journey lie in front of me.  I look forward to the ride and I look back with warmth and love on the memories.  I hope you will be along for the ride and the blogs form the road as I head to that place way over yonder.

Little Wing - Stevie Rae Vaughn

Everywhere I Go - Jackson Browne

All My Roads

It’s a sunny day in Central Florida as I sit in the motel room waiting for my riding companion to finish the chores and get ready for a ride.  I am now eagerly looking forward to the road and where it takes me.

As I scanned through my music library for future playlist candidates, I came across some country music.  I admire the direct simplicity of the lyrics.  No wrappings of intellectualization, or obfuscation to avoid dealing with a feelings filter.  Just straight-forward lyrics and soul-touching tunes.

As I sit here writing and thinking about the road ahead, I am thinking of love and the discovery of a love that is mutual, affectionate, and profound.  I can start out by saying I love me.  I am truly comfortable in my own skin and have learned to be compassionate about my own foibles and weaknesses.  I love the world about me and appreciate the skills of the Creator.  I love my Harleys and the roads they take me down.  And, I know I will find the love we all seek way over yonder that will fill my life with affection, intimacy, and grace.

Reading the lyrics of one of my country singing favorites, sets me in a mood for discovery and the realization of what I seek.  I spoke with a dear friend on the phone this morning and was reminded that I am a warrior.  I must be to survive on the road through the mental, physical, spiritual and emotional challenges; albeit, a quiet, self-deprecating, and somewhat shy warrior. 

As I read through the lyrics and listen to Collin Raye sing All My Roads, I am taken to a place of desire with an empty space to be filled.

Looking back from where I stand tonight

I wouldn't change a thing about my life

Wrong turns I had to take back in those crazy years

Could not have been mistakes if they brought me here

'Cause all my roads have led me to

This night, this love I share with you

And though the road was never smooth

Life has made me someone who

Could be the right someone for you

I don't regret a single broken heart

That taught me what love is and what it's not

Someone must have planned our two paths would cross

I couldn't see it then but I was never lost

'Cause all my roads have led me to

This night, this love I share with you

And though the road was never smooth

Life has made me someone who

Could be the right someone for you

Detours, dead ends, endless explorations

You were my only destination

'Cause all my roads have led me to

This night, this love I share with you

And though the road was never smooth

Life has made me someone who

Could be the right someone for you

A beautiful lyric that is perfect for my emotional moment as I sit poised for the next leg of my journey to begin.  Another tune of the playlist of country songs is from the exquisite Trio record made my Linda Ronstadt, Dolly Parton and Emmylou Harris.  I have been blessed to see Emmylou twice in my life and both concerts were pure emotional magic.  The beautiful lyric and the soul-touching harmonies fill me with a flush of love and the desire to share this love.

I've been higher than the high sierra

Lower than Death Valley must be

I've been right, mostly wrong

Wrong about you, right about me

The way I feel, can't explain

So much passion turned to pain

The sun still shines most of the time

Did you know the sun shines when it rains

I've been higher than the high sierra

Lower than Death Valley must be

I've been right, mostly wrong

Wrong about you, right about me

I've been cussed and I've been praised

And I've been nothing these days

I'll come back, time will see

If I'm wrong about you, right about me

I've been higher than the high sierra

Lower than Death Valley must be

I've been right, mostly wrong

Wrong about you, right about me

Wrong about you, right about me

Wrong about you, right about me

The road beckons and down that road lives the love I seek in the place way over yonder.

All My Roads - Collin Raye

High Sierras = Linda Ronstadt, Dolly Parton, Emmylou Harris

Mojave Cactus

Kim in Rocky Mountain State Park

From the as yet untitled new book:

In my joy with life

I danced under her little wings

Blessed by the presence

Of the fairy queen

Urging my steps

Into careless abandon

All The Road Running

It is late afternoon in Palm Coast after a beautiful warm day.  The sky is a complete dome of cerulean without a mar except the pale white ghost of a near-full moon rising in the east.  Today my mind was occupied with the final matters of getting on the road for an extended period.  The Road Glide Ultra went in for its 5,000 mile service, and I went over the load and packing arrangements to make sure it made sense for ease of access and organization plus load balance.

Tomorrow I will spend with my riding companion for the last month.  We have had some great rides together and I will take away many fine memories of our fun at bike week and après-ride dinners.  Tomorrow will be the day for the last farewell before I hit the road.

Saturday will come too soon in one sense but not soon enough.  Too soon when taking my leave from someone who has shared the saddle for almost a thousand miles; not soon enough to be on the next adventure though it will again be a solo effort. 

As I write, I am listening to Mark Knopfler and Emmylou Harris in their collaborative record All The Road Running.  The third verse captures some of my thoughts as I think about the next long ride.

Well if you’re inclined to go up on the wall

It can only be fast and high

And those who don’t like the danger soon

Find something different to try

And when there is only a ring in your ears

And an echo down memory lane

Then if it’s all for nothing

All the road running's been in vain

The wall in this instance refers to a travelling carnival act called the Wall of Death (there was one set up at the Iron Horse Saloon for Bike Week), but it could apply to this 63 year-old out on his Spirit Quest.  I will be travelling and there is always an element of danger when we choose to do it on two wheels.  Some people find this element of danger too daunting to ever experience being in the wind.  The message for me is in the last four lines.  When this Quest/ride is over and the ring of the Rineharts in my ear are but an echo in my memory, will I have found what I seek and will it be for something that is of value spiritually and emotionally?  If I remain true to myself and am compassionate with myself for the fumbles of human frailty, all the road running will not be in vain.

The playlist for the first leg is built and installed on the iPod.  It is all travelling music, mainly southern rock, blues, and some ballads.  I am working on the routes in detail now and will upload them to the GPS.  Leg one will be from Palm Coast, Florida to Mobile, Alabama.  I intend to avoid the interstates where possible.  I am in no rush and want to see something of the real land I will be transiting.

The route is 436 miles and 9.5 hours in the saddle.  Not a bad start for this ride.  When I set out I will play what has become my theme song for the beginning of each ride: Jackson Browne’s Running on Empty.

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels

Looking back at the years gone by like so many summer fields

In '65 I was seventeen and running up 101

I don't know where I'm running now, I'm just running on

Some mornings it feels like that I am just running and unsure just where; geographically and metaphysically.  But, I am sure running and the miles rush away beneath those wheels as the dual Rineharts rumble beneath the music on my playlists.

Ah, the search for that place “Way over yonder is a place I have seen/It's a garden of wisdom from some long ago dream”.  The ride to that uncertain place is the experience and I will relish each moment of the journey and all the meetings that will occur along the way.

All The Road Running - Mark Knopfler and Emmylou Harris

Way Over Yonder - Carole King

Nice touch of Celtic music in All The Road Running so suitable to this St. Patrick’s Day.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!!

Leg One Route

From the new book:

When we are together

There is magic in our presence

The energy that love exudes

So real so palpable

It touches those around us

Being together is a natural state

Male and female in balance

Giving purpose to our differences

Enhancing each experience

Our time together

Will be so fleeting so short

Each second will be counted

Like solitary diamonds

Hallelujah

My playlist for the ride included Eric Clapton, The Police, Bruce Springsteen, Jackson Browne, The Allman Brothers, The Doobie Brothers, and Jeff Buckley.  I will be here a few days to visit friends and to get the 5000 mile service done on the Road Glide Ultra.  Then, I will ease into the ride out to see my good friends Sandra and Clyde in San Benito, Texas.  They have a ride planned out to New Mexico and I may ride with them.  Once in New Mexico, it is not a whole lot further to be in California.  I feel drawn to that wonderful state with the variety of scenery and the many gracious people I have met through social networking.

I hope to quickly get into the rhythm of a long ride.  Sorting out interesting routes at night for the next day, checking weather and road conditions, and building interesting playlists for the iPod.  On the road, I get into the zone with all my focus on the ride but my mind also has lots of time to work through any issues and it is also when many ideas for poetry get tested and worked out so I can write them out at the end of the day.

The route today was simply a ride up US Hwy #1 from Sebastian to Daytona with a few side trips and a short blast up I-95.  No photography today.  I wasn’t in the mood after a fun farewell party at the cabin with my Sebastian friends.  I probably had too much fun judging from my need for some Tylenol and a mouth like the bottom of a birdcage.

One of the songs on today’s place list is on Jeff Buckley’s Grace album.  I love the vocal range and ethereal sound of Jeff’s voice.  His cover of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah is mesmerizing and transformative.  The subject matter of the lyrics is on one of my favorite topics for my poetry: love and relationships.  Cohen’s imagery and choice of words to describe the emotions and intensity of the relationship and the intimate contact is simply beautiful.

There was a time when you let me know

What's really going on below

But now you never show that to me, do you?

But remember when I moved in you

And the holy dove was moving too

And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

To know that intensity and to feel the exotic and erotic waves of feelings, both physical and emotional, is what I want to experience. 

As I ride westward over the next weeks I will be embarking on a new adventure. I will meet new people, make new friends, and perhaps if it is my destiny, enter into a loving relationship.  Time will tell, as the saying goes. 

I am looking forward to the ride as I shift from the sadness of departing from a place I love and from people who have become very dear to me, to the excitement of seeing each new wonder around the next corner.  I will keep blogging as I go forth and take the many people now falling my blog posts with me on this continuing Spirit Quest.

Lyrics for Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah:

Well I heard there was a secret chord

that David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don’t really care for music, do you?

Well it goes like this:

The fourth, the fifth,

The minor fall and the major lift

The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah…

Your faith was strong but you needed proof

You saw her bathing on the roof

Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you

She tied you to her kitchen chair

She broke your throne and she cut your hair

And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah…

Baby I’ve been here before

I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor (you know)

I used to live alone before I knew you

And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch

and love is not a victory march

It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah…

There was a time when you let me know

What’s really going on below

But now you never show that to me, do you?

But remember when I moved in you

And the holy dove was moving too

And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah…

Maybe there’s a God above

All I’ve ever learned from love

Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you

And it’s not a cry that you hear at night

It’s not somebody who’s seen the light

It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah…

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah…

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah

A live performance by Jeff Buckley of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah

From the still untitled book

Darkness is falling

Glazings of progressive greys

Over the blue green day

Hollow traffic hums

And children’s voices fading

Behind drawn curtains

Distant Don Henley

Ballads playing from the dark

Beyond a single lamp

And my thoughts lay

Quiet, reflective on this day

Shades of blue and grey

The warming glow

Of the solitary light shines

Casting yellow shadows

My heads lifts slowly

Listening to the driveway gravel

And quiet footsteps

Walking to the door

I open it wide to greet you

A tender touch

The room brightens

As you enter the rising light

Smiling eyes

I close the door

On the passing bleak night

Knowing all is well

If This Is Goodbye

I am sitting in the usual place for blogging, that being, my chair by the stoop of the cabin at the “Hotel California”.  It is a beautiful spring-warm night in Sebastian, Florida with the gibbous moon playing peek-a-boo through the leaves of the live oak trees and a billi0n stars all about it.  There is a scent of the sea on the wind and a gentle breeze occasionally stirs my hair and rustles the palm fronds.

It is a sad evening for me.  The air feels heavy in the cabin as my belongs are boxed and piled ready for my friends Rob and Bud to help me move them to the storage building.  There is still some packing to do and the usual weeding out of T shorts and jeans so I can carry what I need on the Harley for the next several months.  The list is fairly short.  Tool kit and first aid kit, cold weather accessories and heated liners, fuel conditioner for the nasty ethanol, clothes, toiletries, documents, camera gear, a couple of books, sleeping bag, rain gear, cleaning cloths, iPod, CD’s, and one of my smaller Native American flutes (high D minor) made by the master Raymond Redfeather.

It is sad because I have made so many good friends.  Real friends.  The type of friends who accept me no matter what my state of mind or spirit.  Friends, who have my back all of the time as I have theirs will be left behind but never forgotten.  I will be leaving them for a while but I know I will see them again.  There have been love too, both realized and unrequited.  The bittersweet sense of parting lingers in my heart and soul, as I will set forth into the unknown distances and chance meetings of the road and my Spirit Quest.

I was listening to music as I always do at times like this.  My favourite singer, Jackson Browne, spun out his tune All Good Things Come to an End.  And the beautiful ballad performed by Mark Knopfler and Emmylou Harris, If This is Goodbye.

My famous last words

Are laying around in tatters

Sounding absurd

Whatever I try

But I love you

And that's all that really matters

If this is goodbye

If this is goodbye

Your bright shining sun

Would light up the way before me

You were the one

Made me feel I could fly

And I love you

Whatever is waiting for me

If this is goodbye

If this is goodbye

Who knows how long we've got

Or what we’re made out of

Who knows if there's a plan or not

There is our love

I know there is our love

My famous last words

Could never tell the story

Spinning unheard

In the dark of the sky

But I love you

And this is our glory

If this is goodbye

If this is goodbye

Whether for friend or lover the lyrics work and capture the melancholy of parting and closing a chapter in the journey never forever for, if nothing more, the memories and experiences live in my heart and soul.

Not a long blog tonight but I need to ground myself amidst the emotional turmoil and be ready for the joys of the road and the continuance of finding the “me” in me.

I hope to blog once more before leaving this beautiful, memorable place.

If This is Goodbye - Mark Knopfler and Emmylou Harris.

All Good Things - Jackson Browne

Fountain of Sorrow - Jackson Browne

My dear friends will be with me on the road in my heart, soul, and spirit.

From the untitled book

My heart is an empty room

That still echoes with your laughter

And the sound of your footsteps

As you quietly close the door

Already Gone

It’s a rainy and very cool night here at the “Hotel California” in Sebastian Florida.  I have had a busy few days partaking in the fun of Daytona Bike Week then delivering my 2006 Road Glide from here to Daytona where some friends will haul it north to Canada for me.  I got in from Daytona yesterday afternoon and after getting things organized for the trip today to deliver the Harley, I had a friend send me a note that they wanted to talk.

I had a long phone conversation last night with my new friend who I have gotten to know a little through my blogs and our comments back and forth about my subject matter and my own Spirit Quest.  I have had these types of conversations before and they can be grueling because so much stuff gets out in the open.  Raw emotions, mental anguish, the cries of a wounded spirit are intertwined in the threads of the conversation.  I don’t pretend to be a therapist or to be any sort of expert but I do listen well and have a lot life experiences to draw from if my opinion or my advice is sought.

My friend has been through a hard life with the loss of a mate, raising a family alone as the sole provider, and through the trials and stress of giving out while not having the nourishment of another giving back.  Most of us have had at least a taste of the hard life lessons of coping with adversities and catastrophic loss.  The hard work to make ends meet and to build our savings for the day when the nest is empty and it is time to take our lives in hand and live the life we have earned and deserve.

After years of hard work in a challenging profession, my friend had changed course to begin living a new life that satisfied the desire to expand the children’s horizons beyond their video games and the family room couch while leaving behind a very negative and stressful career.  This all seemed to work and the children grew up and moved into their own lives.  The desire was there to begin shedding some of the demands of a large property with lots of upkeep to a simpler life with opportunities for “me” time; a move to create of life based on “less is more”.

Then, as often happens, life rose up to put a stop to this journey to self-realization.  First personal injuries then one of the grown children was injured and moved home to recover along with all the trapping of their personal life into what was a budding life of independence.  The injury is long healed but life in the nest is much simpler and safer then life “out there”.  The dilemma: How to achieve the goal of a life based on personal happiness and the pursuit of personal dreams while dragging Junior up the mountain too.

The conversation caused me to reflect on my own life where I arrived on my parents doorsteps several times after they had hoped I had left the nest, to sort out my most recent drama and to coast for a while in pampered free living. It must have been torture for my parents who had their own dreams of travel and time together.

Our conversation ended in a discussion of potential steps to change the situation and get the budding new solo life back on the tracks in the direction of personal happiness, inner peace, and spiritual and emotional fulfillment.  I won’t say more about the conversation except to say the themes were:

Setting boundaries

Setting your own timelines and agenda first

Not asking permission to live the life you desire but taking steps to claim it.

The conversation was as good for me as for my friend.  I thought about my move to life on the road; to my shift to a life of “Less is more”.  You can’t get much less than what fits on a Harley Davidson that will sustain you for the next 6 months.  I am doing it but the path was not easy and required me to set boundaries and to claim what I wanted and pay the price.  The Eagles song Already Gone came to mind.

Well I know it wasn’t you who held me down

Heaven knows it wasn’t you who set me free

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains

And we never even know we have the key

The tune could apply to a romantic relationship but it can apply to any relationship.  We all hold the key to our happiness.  No one can make us happy.  We can draw happiness through our relationships but we first need to be happy and comfortable in our own skins.  In the words of Pogo the Possum (a comic strip character created by Walt Kelly) “We have seen the enemy and it are us!”  I had to figure that one out and keep it in mind as I walked my path.  After our phone call I think my friend was reminded about this message which, they already knew.

I am heading back to Daytona to spend some time with friends and to get a little more Whoopee on before I hit the road again.  I know my new friend will read this and I hope I have been discrete.  I am looking forward to another phone call soon to see what little steps have been taken towards a life of happiness and fulfillment.  It takes many little steps to get there.  Not many of us are good at hitting home runs.  I would not be surprised to here they are Already Gone down that road to spiritual and emotional completion and singing a victory song.

Already Gone –

Well, I heard some people talkin’ just the other day

And they said you were gonna put me on a shelf

But let me tell you I got some news for you

And you’ll soon find out it’s true

And then you’ll have to eat your lunch all by yourself

’cause I’m already gone

And I’m feelin’ strong

I will sing this vict’ry song, woo, hoo,hoo,woo,hoo,hoo

The letter that you wrote me made me stop and wonder why

But I guess you felt like you had to set things right

Just remember this, my girl, when you look up in the sky

You can see the stars and still not see the light (that’s right)

And I’m already gone

And I’m feelin’ strong

I will sing this vict’ry song, woo, hoo,hoo,woo, hoo,hoo

Well I know it wasn’t you who held me down

Heaven knows it wasn’t you who set me free

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains

And we never even know we have the key

But me, I’m already gone

And I’m feelin’ strong

I will sing this vict’ry song

’cause I’m already gone

Yes, I’m already gone

And I’m feelin’ strong

I will sing this vict’ry song

’cause I’m already gone

Yes, I’m already gone

Already gone

All right, nighty-night

Already Gone - The Eagles

From the as yet untitled book

A storm passed through in the darkness

Lightening like nightly daggers

Curtains mad sails on wet windows

Cannon barrages between the  buildings

Morning sun against layers pink and blue

Streaming steaming clouds of gray

Wetness and fog rises through the trees

Freshness clamors for me to rise and go forth

The clouds have moved in

The clouds have moved in from the Atlantic

Covering my horizons with gray

Blocking the sun

To guide my way

My spirit dims in the subtle light

Beneath the sullen clouds

Looking east I wish the clouds away

One by one

Clearing a path to the light

So my progress continues

In the light of my inner peace.

Where The Road And The Sky Collide

I’m sitting in the usual morning spot for the coffee ritual; the front stoop of the cabin at the “Hotel California” in Sebastian Florida.  I can count the days I will be here on two hands with the help of one foot.  I have loved this place since I rode into town last November and I have my friend Chris to thank for guiding me here.

The time I have spent has been transformative.  I have never felt the level of calmness and serenity that I have discovered within me as a consequence of being here.

My morning greeting on my social networks today read:

“It breezy and lots of big puffy clouds over the Atlantic today. Not as hot as I would like but I'll take it. Coffee is on and another day starts with lots to do to get ready for the summer ride. Good morning!!”

It is almost time to leave this place of peace, friendship, love, music, beautiful weather and riding.  I have experienced all of these in this pause in my long distance riding travels as I continued to walk the Spirit road.

When I started out on the last leg of my ride, from Niagara to Florida, I required twice daily doses of medication for asthma.  Today I require none.  It is not just the benefit of climate but, the benefit of the inner space and the peace that comes from being grounded and accepting of myself as I am, without the trappings of a unnecessarily complicated life.

I have met some wonderful people in my winter of rebirth.  Friendships have developed that are rugged and strong enough to transcend and withstand the time and distance of separation that will occur when I take to the road again.  I feel such gratitude to these friends who enriched my life and taught me so much about love, giving, receiving, and just being in the moment.  I won’t name them to preserve their privacy, but they know who they are.

I have also made many new friends that I have yet to meet who have come to me or, me to them, through my online social networks and through these blog posts.  I look forward to meeting many of them out on the road in my travels over the next several months.  I know from our conversations and messaging that more rich friendships will develop and our lives will be enhanced and enriched through the opportunity to meet and become acquainted.

While breakfast was cooking, I listened to the Late For the Sky record made so long ago by Jackson Browne.  We all make records.  Not necessarily musical records but, records of our lives; the happiness, the sorrows, the loves, the broken hearts, the camaraderie, the loneliness.  Our lives woven into the material of our experience clothing us in the attributes that make us who we are; warts and all.

The music today was so appropriate.  Take this song, The Road and The Sky:

When we come to place where the road and the sky collide

Throw me over the edge and let my spirit glide

They told me I was going to have to work for a living

But all I want to do is ride           

I don't care where we're going from here

Honey, you decide

Well I spend my time at the bottom of a wishing well

And I can hear my dreams singing clear as a bell

I used to know where they ended and the world began

But now it's getting hard to tell

I could be just around the corner from Heaven or a mile from Hell

I'm just rolling away from yesterday

Behind a wheel of a stolen Chevrolet

I'm going to get a little higher

And see if I can hot-wire reality

Now can you see those dark clouds gathering up ahead?

They're going to wash this planet clean like the Bible said

Now you can hold on steady and try to be ready

But everybody's gonna get wet

Don't think it won't happen just because it hasn't happened yet

I'm just rolling away from yesterday

Behind the wheel of a stolen Chevrolet

I'm going to get a little higher

And see if I can hot-wire reality

The first verse just hit me with the sense of being at another point of taking off.  I have been where the road and the sky collide and I am ready to let my spirit glide.

When we come to place where the road and the sky collide

Throw me over the edge and let my spirit glide

They told me I was going to have to work for a living

But all I want to do is ride

I don't care where we're going from here

Honey, you decide

Yes, all I want to do is ride and the Spirit will decide where we go from here.

From the book (yes, still with no title)

The road of clay rich ochre

Emerged from the forest

Running to the shore

A gleeful child for the arriving

Bordered at water’s edge

By two beech trees

Old and hallowed in time

Sun to the right

Moon to the left

In balance as it should be

And in the turmoil of clouds

Reflected in the water

The countenance of an angel

Ever watchful of careless steps

And another:

Anticipation

It fills the air about me electric

I look to the north to skies clear blue

My boot tracks clear in the trail

The steps of my journey made with purpose

How quickly I have come to this point

But my steps have been sure and unwavering

Anticipation

Not ominous but with a sense of leaving

I look to the east and the fading late sky

Perhaps salted with the tang of regret

For loves lost and memories of old lives

Memories to be treasured and stored lovingly

Lesson learned about life’s uncertainties

Anticipation

It is orange and yellow dramatic light

I look to the west sun setting intensely

Bright with promise of the future

Of life to be lived and lessons to be learned

Of future joys unknown and momentary treasures

Of great joy to greet and meet journey’s end

Anticipation

Hot wind of a dog’s breath on my arm

I look to the south warmly beckoning

My trail continues this way

Leading me to my destiny my dreams

Where I will find shelter from the storms

Where I will find great purpose and peace

Anticipation

The Road and The Sky - Jackson Browne