It’s an overcast, cool day in south Texas as I sit in the carport at my friend Clyde and Sandra’s winter home in San Benito. We are just back in from a ride with the motorcycle club here called the Crabs (Conservative Retired Adult BikerS). It was a short ride out for breakfast then down to the bay north of Port Isabel. It is a wonderful group of people who are spending their retirement years doing what they want to do most; ride their motorcycles and enjoy the company of other like-minded souls. It is a change for me from my solo rides and I am enjoying the company.
I was listening to Jackson Browne’s Running on Empty CD during the ride and my mind that was not absorbed with the details of holding formation with the group and riding safely was working over the issues of my heart and my desire to find another heart looking for one like mine. The beautiful song co-written by Lowell George, Valerie Carter, and Jackson triggered it: Love Needs a Heart.
Maybe the hardest thing I've ever done
Was to walk away from you
Leaving behind the life that we'd begun
I split myself in two
Proud and alone, cold as a stone
Rolling down that hill into the night
I could see the surprise and the hurt in your eyes
From behind each flashing city light
Love needs a heart and I need to find
If loves needs a heart like mine
Love won't come near me, she don't even hear me
She walks by my vacancy sign
Love needs a heart, trusting and blind
I wish that heart was mine
Proud and alone, cold as a stone
I'm afraid to believe the things I feel
I can cry with the best I can laugh with the rest
But I'm never sure when it's real
And it may be the hardest thing I've ever done
But apart from all that I hope to find
Where's the heart that's been looking for mine?
I hope it finds me in time
Love needs a heart and I need to find
If love needs a heart like mine
This song just fit the moment. I have met people and felt love in my heart for them on this long ride since leaving Canada last November. It has been that happy, achy, want-to-be-with-you feeling a couple of times but, as fate would have it, the feelings were not mutual or for the object of my affections, feeling love itself was a distant memory locked away under layers of life’s lessons and time. My introspective nature led me down the road of doubting the validity of my feelings and raised the worrisome question of whether I would find another heart in this big world that would be looking for one like mine.
As I continue my journey and explore the me that is me, I found the lines in the song poignantly close to my thoughts.
And it may be the hardest thing I've ever done
But apart from all that I hope to find
Where's the heart that's been looking for mine?
I hope it finds me in time
The knowledge that time is fleeting and life’s road is becoming much shorter as I move towards being a legal senior citizen, sometimes sits heavy in my soul. I still carry the hope of finding that heart. I know that by being open to love’s call and putting aside all those fears of past loves gone bad or unrequited, there is hope that this old heart of mine will meet another ready to love and be loved in an enduring and profound way.
Recently my thoughts have been about settling down at the end of this journey. I know where geographically I have felt good about my surroundings and my state of mind. I don’t know where the end point of this journey is. I will know it when I get there. My hope remains that it will be with someone who accepts me for who I am and for all my quirks and idiosyncrasies and (an absolute must) loves the motorcycling lifestyle.
Another song on the current playlist is by another personal favorite, Van Morrison. Although Hymns to the Silence has Van’s personal spiritual association, the lyrics also strike a chord for me, as does the soulful tune as my mind and heart go back to Florida and a riding partner who touched my heart and who, I left behind. I miss the laughter, the quiet company she gave me on our rides. Both of us were quite content to enjoy the ride in silence just absorbing the beauty about us then the pleasure of a dinner by the ocean talking about ourselves, life, and our personal journeys.
Oh my dear, oh my dear sweet love
Oh my dear, oh my dear sweet love
When I'm away from you, when I'm away from you
Well I feel, yeah, well I feel so sad and blue
Well I feel, well I feel so sad and blue
Oh my dear, oh my dear, oh my dear sweet love
When I'm away from you, I just have to sing, my hymns
Hymns to the silence, hymns to the silence
Hymns to the silence, hymns to the silence
My memories of that time come back as bittersweet and Van’s performance is a perfect painting. Each experience is an opportunity to grow and to learn more of life’s lessons. Each memory is a jewel in the bracelet of my life.
But, the road goes ever on and the memories will be with me as I continue my journey. I look forward to the journey and the great question mark of what the future will bring.
From the untitled book:
I looked for the dawn
And there was no discernible change
From the night
Subtle grays breaking
And the distance becoming more visible
Warmer, yes I do feel the chill fading
But what I would give for a glimpse
Of that bright smile
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