I am sitting in the open concept dining room of my home in the village of Virgil close to the shore of Lake Ontario. It is a beautiful spring day with the grass greening up quite nicely and the trees in bud. Magnolia trees are enjoying their one weekend blast of color.
I am at another one of those crossroads in life. There seem to have been several of these over the last few weeks as I have made my way though the roads of my life.
I am back here to fulfill a requirement of the government that ensure the continuation of my heath benefit. I am also here clearing up the last pieces of my former life including the sale of my home and the storage of all my stuff until I am ready to set up house keeping somewhere. The road ahead is uncertain. There are places I know I want to go both spiritually and geographically. This is still a spirit quest I am on. Our whole lives are a spirit quest unless we are so self-absorbed that the world ends 3 feet beyond our fingertips or we are comatose.
What am I sure of? “God is great and the rest doesn't matter” and “We plan; God laughs”. I am also sure I know who I am. As noted in previous blogs, I am comfortable in my skin and I happily acknowledge my weaknesses and foibles knowing in these lies the essence of being human.
Reality came crashing home for me last weekend (quite literally) when I laid down my ’06 Road Gide and was injured just a few miles from my home. I am slowly recovering but at least 4 weeks from being able to manhandle a Harley as my mode of transportation. It could have been worse. Death was probably 6 inches away and debilitating paralysis much closer. Neither of these outcomes transpired so I have much for which, to be grateful.
As I sit here in the late afternoon sun, listening to the suburban cacophony of lawn mowers and weed whippers, I consider these crossroads. The plan is not mine; just the choices. To be positive in the face of the recently raised roadblocks to my person vision of nirvana: or to be negative and have a good wallow in the sinkhole of self-pity? Buy a totally practical car when the insurance money comes in for the Harley or buy another Harley? Stay here until the house sells or get my work done and hit the road again on another long distance adventure? Move to Florida in the fall, or Texas, or Arkansas, or stay here and count snowflakes.
It is all about choices,, I have not always done well with choices. I was thinking about that when I wrote my Facebook and BON status updates today. I wrote:
Our lives get caught up in the thorns of our own bad choices. Sometimes we have to tear free of these encumbrances leaving pieces of skin and cloth behind as a reminder to those who follow
When I look back over a lifetime I sure see a lot of skin and bits of cloth across the landscape. Will I make more bad choices? Of course I will!!! But, hopefully, I will make fewer than I once might have and I won’t add too many more scars of experience to my psyche.
I am listening to music as I work. The Naked Ride Home by Jackson Browne. The moral lyrics deal with the momentous decision of life and how our focus on the moment (The Naked Ride Home) distract us from the important stuff like the important decisions so we make bad choices as a result or, we fail to hear our conscience (the heart that was beating alone) where the clues to the right decision usually lie.
She gathered her clothes
And ran through the yard in the dark
Up onto the porch like a flash, and inside
Then one room at a time
I watched every light in our house come on
Like the truth that would eventually dawn,
Forcing me to decide
But on that freeway the light was receding
Her beauty, a sight so misleading
I failed to hear the heart that was beating alone
On the naked ride home
The next tune on this CD is The Night Inside Me. This song paints the message for me of sanctuary and prayer. Those comforting dimly lit place to which, we retreat at times when we need clarity that can only come away from the clamor of the light of day.
I used to lay out in a field under the Milky Way
With everything that I was feeling that I could not say
With every doubt and every sorrow that was in my way
Tearing around inside my head like it was there to stay
Night in my eyes, the night inside me
There where the shadows and the night could hide me
Night in my eyes
Sky full of stars turning over me
Waiting for night to set me free
I caught a ride into the city every chance I got
I wasn't sure there was a name for the life I sought
Now I'm a long way gone down the life I got
I don't know how I believed some of the things I thought
Night in my eyes, the night inside me
Here where the shadows gather to decide me
Night in my eyes
Out at the end of light and gravity
Waiting for night
It takes the night to clear all of this mess away
The obligation, the burden and the light of day
It takes the night to fall between the world I obey
And a world where I hear angels play
Maybe I should go back to Spain
I walk around inside the questions of my day
I navigate the inner reaches of my disarray
I pass the altars where fools and thieves hold sway
I wait for night to come and lift this dread away
Night in my eyes, the night inside me
Here where the shadows and the light divide me
Night in my eyes
Night full of promise and uncertainty
Waiting for night to set me free
The next several months will be a period of decision and choice as I move from my former life to the new as this new journey begins. It is my nature to be the infernally optimistic type so I will come at these changes from a positive perspective and from a prayerful stance. All I know is the plan is not mine but the choices are.
From the untitled book:
Sunlight sleepy warm on yesterday’s burn
It is the silence that woke me
Two wine glasses on the drain board
It was white served in flutes
The music is still there
No CD but a cosmic residue of Puccini
A sensual shiver of a memory touch
And a deep sense of knowing
Fills my being as I see your reflection
In the window looking out on yesterday
In your blue eyes
I see the reflection
Of a field I love
Wild flowers and soaked in sun
Quiet
The serenity of a peaceful bliss
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